Recently someone asked this question on an earlier post called "Woman's Work":
"So, Lori, where's the post about men who like their wives earning the extra cash? I'd like some insight on that, since you said in this post you were going to touch on that subject. As you know, I work inside my home and make really good money but feel stretched constantly with homeschool and homemaking. I really don't want to do both anymore. When I bring it up, he really desires for me to continue bringing in that money for now."
I thought it was an excellent question, and she was right that I said I would opine on the subject. While I've written this post in answer to her question, I hope that all of you will be able to derive some application and/or wisdom that can help you in your own job as "keeper of the home."
Some concepts from the original post undergird my thinking, so let me reiterate them first.
“...respecting boundaries and living fully within our domain is an important concept that our Father wants us to learn.” Two points. I don’t know how your marriage works, i.e., whether you come to consensus or whether your husband has “final say.” But whatever the boundary is, respect it. And if you find after you’ve gone through the process I’m about to suggest that he still wants you to produce income, ask the Father to help you deal with your heart. Nothing will promote bitterness more quickly than being ticked because you didn’t get you way. I say this from experience.
The other point, to live fully within our domain, suggests that we should make sure we are making the best use of our time and are not, on the whole, overindulging in relatively unproductive activities (hmm, is my Facebook button being pushed here?) or even plain and simple laziness or disorganization. That should go without saying, but it does mean that we need to examine what we already have and make sure we are using it to its fullest potential before we start trying to change something on the outside when it may be a matter of changing our insides that is called for.
Finally, two questions are begged. Does your husband understand that he is fully responsible for providing for you and your children? And are you willing to let him bear the full brunt of that, and live within the means he is able to provide for you without whining or sniveling? (Not that I think you are a whiner or a sniveler, but, hey, you're human). Because you will not go far unless you both can answer these questions affirmatively.
I’ve thought about an approach for making this kind of change in your household, and checked in with a trusted and long-married friend (who homeschools more children than you can shake a stick at, and runs a household, and does the books for her husband's business!) this morning to see if I was on point. When I asked her your question, she said essentially the same thing I am going to suggest here. So you at least have two witnesses, a good biblical principle.
Who is responsible for the budget in your home? If it’s you, this problem can be easily resolved by structuring your budget so that you are living solely on his income, and then after two or three months, present him with the cash difference between your current spending and the reduced budget and a) see if he noticed your budget had been trimmed and b) watch the look on his face when he sees that he actually can support all of you on his income. Of course, he may be in charge of the budget, but you should still be privy to his income and your overall expenses, and then you would have to get through two or three months of reducing your expenses and then showing him the difference. This is not the only thing you can do, but it would go a long way to providing him with some hard “data” so he could see that your family would not suffer greatly without your income.
Does he want you to continue working because you are working together toward some long-term financial goal with which he feels he needs your help? Are you in agreement with that goal, and the rate at which you will achieve it if your income is eliminated? Are you willing to forego that goal to have more time to devote to homemaking and homeschooling? Are you willing to continue to support that goal, if it’s what your husband desires, and it means you need to continue to work? These are questions I don’t have an answer to, but I do believe the way to get to “yes” on this is to lay out the facts as they are, and make a plan you both agree to, and stick to it.
Of course, my DH did not completely agree with my desire to “keep my home” in the manner I felt I was being instructed and lead to do, mostly because we do not have any children to care for. I think he was concerned that I would be lazing around all day, and why would he want to support something like that? As he has seen the fruit of my being home (the house is cleaner than it was when I was working – notice I didn’t say spotless!; meals are well-prepared and nourishing instead of “thrown together”; mending is accomplished more quickly so he gets to wear his favorite clothes; we have a small poultry flock that earns enough to feed itself and purchase this year’s chicks; our garden is more productive and expanding; I'm able to minister to the needy and to teach in the assembly and blog about subjects that are important to me), he has been able to change his mind about the “benefits” of my being a full-time homemaker.
Be sure that your husband will also need to have “hard evidence” that making such a change in your family would be a benefit to all of you, and that he can see his household is operating even better than when you were working at your paying job as well. There has to be a “payoff” for him, not matter how fleshly that seems. We are, after all, still human.
But my own husband’s change of heart was not all my doing. Never underestimate the efficacy of your own prayers for your husband, for him to be strengthened in his role as a leader and provider and encouraged to grow into the man our Father has called him to be. And be ruthless, yourself, with changing into the woman He has called you to be – that is not as easy, I know. But it is also required. Read Romans 12:1-2 for a refresher on that, if needed. But if he sees that you are making changes to improve your walk and your own life – not that you need to call his attention to them, much like the admonishment about fasting in Matthew 6:16 – he will be more inclined to do the same. When you are in transition with your family – someone is changing their job, children need a different approach with discipline, a reduction in income, etc. – you have to always be on the lookout for your attitude and how you are being received by the ones you love. Not all the time do we have a good understanding of our effect on others, and keeping our attitude in check will go a long way to helping us accomplish our goals.
You mention that you homeschool your children, and this goes back to the question of budget. Is there a way you can involve them in your budget trimming activity that would also dovetail into a lesson on finances and meal planning for them? They don’t have to know you are doing it because you are trying to see if you can live on Daddy’s income, but it would be a good thing for them to know how to do, a practical skill that would serve them well as they grow up. You may also be able to come up with creative ways to get them to help you meet your goals. Maybe it’s time for more responsibility for them, or an allowance, or an increase in an existing allowance. It is important that everyone understand the value of hard-earned money, and biblical stewardship of income.
And on the subject of biblical stewardship, I also would suggest that you and your husband visit the issue of tithes and offerings, and to check whether you are being faithful in those areas. Financial stress and financial disobedience often go hand in hand, and over the years my husband and I have counseled families to be faithful, as firstfruits, to give of your firstfruits. Over and over again we have seen families come into financial health when they do this, and persist in difficulty when they don’t. I do believe that is our Father’s way of teaching a lesson to His children about who owns everything in the first place.
Finally, and this may be the hardest part, because I don’t know you very well and I don’t know how your marriage works. But hear me out. I believe when a woman is unsettled, or dissatisfied, or otherwise lacking contentment within her role in the family, it is almost always a problem with the man’s leadership. And men, unfortunately, are all too often willing to abdicate responsibility where their family is concerned because the wife is overly capable and is taking a leadership role when she shouldn’t. I have watched this at work in my own marriage, and can tell you with confidence that if you learn to present your concerns as problems/questions that he needs to give attention to (especially if you are perfectly capable of solving the problem or answering the question yourself!), you will cause him to think and behave as the leader you are desiring him to be. This is not manipulation. This is allowing him to be in the role that our Father designed for him.
I do believe many of us have grown up with mothers who dove head first into feminism, only to come out years later still unfulfilled, still longing for something they just couldn’t put their finger on. And I believe that “something” is the desire to feel protected, cared for, and “covered” by the strength of a husband who is himself submitted to the will of the Father. Anything you can do to help him get there will pay you and your children rich dividends that can be gotten no other way.
Maybe this has been of help to you, and as always, your comments are most welcome. Shalom!
